[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
notice
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“Great, now I have to pee.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch