[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again