[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.