@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

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@4SLars

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

@Dutch_50

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

@dugglebutt

FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!