I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I knew it.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!
Twitter is the world’s largest voluntary police lineup.
SAVAGE AF LMAOOOOOO