@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

You Might Also Like

@JasonLastname

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@ShortSleeveSuit

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@laurenmacdonald

If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.

@BoscoPorter

You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

@drinksmcgee

I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.