[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.