My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure
If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.
You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.
In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.