[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i’m in a cell
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.