[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

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Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.


kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.


Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.


hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either


Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.


“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers


My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.


Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.