[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.