[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”