[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
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Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
May have had one breakfast too many
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Can. I. Help. You.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions