@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

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@rockymomax

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

@aneesa_p

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

@shutupmikeginn

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

@Dani_Feld

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

@joshbupkes

when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@elliewilsonxxxx

I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

@PimpleEye

Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.