@thatUPSdude
I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads
But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater
@ShutUpThatsWho
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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@thatUPSdude
@KatieMoNYC
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
@fro_vo
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
@just1fool
Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
@4SLars
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
@RobertJrDowney
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
@Christi_Q
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
@CornOnTheGoblin
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
@Ygrene
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
@Discourt
INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.