@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

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@thatUPSdude

I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads

But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater

@KatieMoNYC

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

@fro_vo

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

@just1fool

Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

@4SLars

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

@RobertJrDowney

If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@Discourt

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.