[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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RT if you could go either way.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
That took me a moment.
titanic
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
this country is so goddamn polarized
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.