I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.