[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
The fall of Netflix
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*me flirting
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?