@ndiquote

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

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@BobTheSuit

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

@SufficientCharm

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

@DanMentos

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@s8n

You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.

@carlyken

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

@VodkaThursday

There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.

@DesperateAnnie

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

@Prof_Hinkley

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

@Marlebean

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

@Brianhopecomedy

Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.