@ndiquote

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

You Might Also Like

@iGreenMonk

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.

@SondraDeeMe

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

@iwearaonesie

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@Darlainky

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

@HatfieldAnne

Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.

@Token_Geezer

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.

@MomOnFire

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?