No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’
Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?