Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.