[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
real
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.