[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Siri: Retweet me.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in