[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
anyone else like Italian cereal
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
channeling her this year
goldfish mafia
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”