[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.