Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.
A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra