@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

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@hythemafia

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@WheelTod

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@ThugRaccoons

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

@Reverend_Scott

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

@robdelaney

Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.

@Prince_Smarming

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

@agathagotstoned

The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.

@8bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra