[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
You Might Also Like
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”