Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”