@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

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@SteveSuckington

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

@Reverend_Scott

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

@notviking

y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it

@Ygrene

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@internetluke

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

@LosLos__

Me: Gonna go see Gym.

Friend: You mean go to the gym?

Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.

@ArfMeasures

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine