“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it
One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine