@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

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@SuperRandomish

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

@ipalatsky

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

@distracdad

*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*

Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?

@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@soulindivision2

Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@SJSchauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

@li4mst3w4rt

my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…