[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft