Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…