[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
You Might Also Like
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
peak technology
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle