Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!