First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.