[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Nothing.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.