[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
You Might Also Like
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*orders delivery*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.