You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
Alright ok fine
If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.
You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.