[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
same bro
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.