[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly