Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
This password is taken
This password is taken too
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.