@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

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@huntigula

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@Swoosh61

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

@FredTaming

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken too

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.