[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
🖤✌🏽
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk