Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?
Angel: *holds up platypus
God: a little..
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol