@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

@robots_feel

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..

@continentlbkfst

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@HushJared

I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

@robdelaney

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol