[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”