First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
You Might Also Like
There’s always that one guy
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A new level of troll.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
dude it’s called proctologist
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳