First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
You Might Also Like
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
thanksgiving should be called feaster
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
cat faces on other animals, a thread
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The Book. The Movie.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous