*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My birth announcement for our third baby
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.