*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
You Might Also Like
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.