[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”