I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.
*never shuts the hell up*
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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I need better friends
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make