@UnFitz

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

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@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@gvicks

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

@IamEnidColeslaw

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

@DirtMcTurd

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

@Love_bug1016

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

@torrami

When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.

@fuzzlime

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

@blade_funner

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make