[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update