@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

You Might Also Like

@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@raniao2011

I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

@thedadvocate01

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@shutupmikeginn

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

@SnizzleFrizzle

My three biggest fears are drowning, heights and people that scroll with their index finger.

@feverboner

I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”

@seamussaid

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

@behindyourback

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering