@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

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@samfromks

*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*

*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*

*Buys $80 worth of donuts*

@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@online_rat

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

@hippieswordfish

the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs

@causticbob

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

@difficultpatty

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

@ReneeHooray

Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder.

He never even tried to take me camping,
I’m not even good enough to kill.

@AnkCoupleTO

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM