*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*
*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*
*Buys $80 worth of donuts*
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder.
He never even tried to take me camping,
I’m not even good enough to kill.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM