I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You Might Also Like
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow