[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
kitchen magnet
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?