[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’