[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Oh we’ve met.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.