[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!