[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.