@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

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@shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.

@GrowlyGrego

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

@JessObsess

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

@AimeeHelene1

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

@slonej75

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@meredithkachel

You know what they say: Can’t spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*

@SciencePorn

The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.