@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

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@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

@AngieMaxwell1

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

@sweatyhairy

when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish

@better_off_dad

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth