[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
bro what is going on at twitter
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
…u ok Nintendo?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
When the stylist spins you back around
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices