*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!
-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”