We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth