@OtherDanOBrien
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
@joci2203
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
You Might Also Like
@OtherDanOBrien
@Browtweaten
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
@JustDontBugMe
I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.
@distracted_monk
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
@mumbletoes
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
@envydatropic
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
@TheOnion
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
@Kirangandhi
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
@JermHimselfish
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
@sirmunchie
JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!
-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”