If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
You know what they say: Can’t spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*
The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.