@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

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@OtherDanOBrien

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

@Browtweaten

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

@JustDontBugMe

I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.

@mumbletoes

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

@envydatropic

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

@TheOnion

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

@Kirangandhi

I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today

@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”