[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Awesome parenting 😂
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?