me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.