<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass


Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.


Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”


Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location


It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here


*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.


COP: Know why I stopped you?


COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken


HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations


I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.