*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
You Might Also Like
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t