Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“My Heart Mustard Go On” – Celine Dijon
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: [thinking girls like responsibility] I’ve got a license
Me: [but also danger] to kill
Me: [but not red flags] ducks
Her: [secretly two ducks in a little black dress] *nervously puts down one of the never ending breadsticks*
Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.
People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.