{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”


Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that


I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.


Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.


When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam


Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.


“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body


if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo