@rachelle_mandik

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

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@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.

@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

@CantWaitToNap

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

@tracietom

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@noodlegrip

[First date]
Her:

Me: [thinking girls like responsibility] I’ve got a license

Her:

Me: [but also danger] to kill

Her:

Me: [but not red flags] ducks

Her: [secretly two ducks in a little black dress] *nervously puts down one of the never ending breadsticks*

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@PinkCamoTO

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

@librarianfonz

I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.

@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.