{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
You Might Also Like
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
couldn’t resist
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now